The Onion dot Com

Posted 2007-10-16 @ 15:06:06 In articles > reviews

Phil wastes time at work browsing The Onion - here are his thoughts.

Have you ever wanted to just sit idly for hours and while your precious time away by reading long, arduous droves of shit that has nothing to do with anything? You’ve certainly stumbled on to a goldmine here.

I even feel guilty as I sit here promoting this steaming pile of utter nonsense. Never since lying lazily on the couch late on Saturday Nights, watching old re-runs of Saturday Night Live have I experienced the painstaiking lethergy that is this website. It is bliss. I could burn holes through my now-crimson eyes into the core of my numned cranium just by browsing an article from this Hell-spawned monstrosity. Of the seven deadly sins, sloth has always been my favourite, so I take much joy in enlightening myself to the boundless resource of crap useless suedo-knowledge that is on this website.

In all the billions of pages that are floating around in cyberspace, and the thousands that you may flip through in the span your life, you try to find resolution to the ever burning questions that the cosmos present. You may just be trying to have fun, but here the object is obviously beyond all of that as counter-productivity seems to be the first order of business.

At first sight of The Onion dot com, I began to feel anxiety, as all the alarm-bells started to fire off in my head. I am so pre-programmed to surf the great world wide web with paranoid mind, impatiently grasping at links, fighting through haystacks of information for the golden needle that is my objective. This tiresome endevour continues to grow more tedious by the day. Now I’d expect to see this site and immediately faint. According to the above methodology, this sites contents provide a value of zero, it offers me absolutely nothing that I can take away and use. But blow me down and wank me balls, I actually really love this piece of cyberspace junk.

Against all natural instinct, I find the news, articles and various other items here most rewarding. I can finally kick back and relax at my computer terminal, and not care a damn about whether what I am reading is exactly what I need to know.

With news releases about local bar skanks announcing their plans to kiss each other, and statistics stating that 85 prcent of US cole slaw is left uneaten, you have to just abondon all desire for a value-rich experience and throw your reservations to the wind.

To get your recommended daily dose of bullshit, visit

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The Onion dot Com



by Gershwan

    OMG you are such a noob, everyone knows the onion is a real life news resource. The little blue pills tell me so.

    Posted   2009-08-15   14:48:02

by Spoilflesh

    Better a noob than a duck billed poo fucker

    Posted   2010-03-29   15:24:10

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