The New Zealand Cover Girls in Cape Town
About a month ago, Facebook and other such sites were aflutter with the news of an impending Kiwi invasion. We were warned that we would never be able to resist this particular form of assault.. And boy were we unprepared.
Everyone had eagerly been awaiting the 20th of October. It was a day that was prepared for with much enthusiasm. Bar Ladies wore much less than usual, Shooter girls got rid of most of our conservative inhibitions and club managers flocked to the venue to experience the visuals.
I arrive at The Eye of Horus, a favourite haunt of those unveiled, and sit down with a few pints of "BaneSpecial Ale" scribbling away thoughts and questions for my interview. For those that don’t know it, Horus has a side bar which occasionally gets used for prepping in events like these. There are two curtains blocking the glass doors where the girls are changing and the air is thick with antici.....pation....
I watch the crowd and although they are all having a good time as is the norm here at Horus, the general population seems to take it in turns to MeerKat the door for any sign of the fleshy goodness we are about to experience. Myself included, and I swear I saw a nipple as the wind caught the tip of one of the curtains. Woohoo I thought... mine to keep...
I’m joined at the table by Dean of Wadda Bar and Tommy from DecoDance, both seasoned party monsters with too many "I’ve been there and done that" badges to actually wear their Colours out.
Shooter girl spots us. Oh boy. Its persistence like this that one doesn’t see anymore and which is actually very much needed in the club scene. As far as I’m concerned, if you have a club, get a shooter girl. Nothing says "lets get hammered", better than a beautiful woman in tight clothing carrying around an ice bucket filled with Jaeger Miester . Men: So easy to please.
While I desperately try to explain to her about my liquid chastity, she in turn is puzzled as to why I’m arguing with her. Regardless of wether I consume this tasty beverage which I so dearly miss, I will be buying a shot. Of couse the size 0 pants, sixpack at eye level and pretty face didn’t actually have to do much convincing of the other lads at the table. So I bought a shot and sent it through to one of the brave NippleCapped bar ladies.
So the starting point of 9pm for the show came and went. 6ish or 7ish shooters later Dean, Tommy, Minstrel and I are getting impatient. Shooter girl is rocking our table and to be honest I think it was our suaveness that kept her coming back. Ever tell a kid that you’ll give him chocolate as soon as you come home and then spend the night out only to find your entire place trashed, your laptop in the pool and all your tax documents used to start the fire in your wendyhouse? No? Well we were getting there.
10:30, as is translated into CapeSpeak for 9pm, the music dies down. A the first few beats I vaguely remember the song.... Then it hits me like a ton of bricks has just given me an ice cold bitchslap. Its Mandoza. Mandoza in a heavy metal club? Ok, this could get interesting. And it did. Totally unexpected were the lovely ladies, in crisp white bathrobes, holding our Saffa flag high, walking toward the stage.
Dumbstruck from the events unfolding the crowd is quiet. Not sure what to make of it. But ofcourse this is their introduction routine. Well choreographed and executed, the ladies shed their layers in synchronized awesomeness. I’ve never liked kwaito but Mandoza is 100% in my books now.
After the girls finish with a wonderful display of teamwork and hot, girl on girl action, they retire to the side bar for a wardrobe change. If Janet Jackson was here she would have asked for tips on a few of those "malfunctions". Skanky ho.
While we bide our time, the MC for the night, Shawn from Exquisite Events, holds a beer downing competition. But as usual there’s a catch. The South African record for downing a beer is 3.2 secs. If anyone can beat that they will get a lapdance from any lady there. Enter the overly eager, equally hammered Stellenbosch students. Their determination and misguided youthful vengeance with which they attached the liquid within the bottles, was enough to stun the most seasoned drinker there: Dean. But alas no one won the 3.2second challenge so the hard-on’s had to stay where they were.
Within a minute, a Mortal Kombat themed hard house tune crept over the speakers... its intro only over shadowed by the Demoness wearing full headgear, including Faceplate, Mohawk and massive black devil horns. Lilith would have had to take notes to this one. Between the seductive come hither tongue and finger curls, the dryhumping of most of the crowd and of course the perfectly timed stripping, I think most of the crowd forgot to breathe. She truly looked and acted like a demon from hell. Aggressive and violent but I doubt anyone, including the women, would have said "No". If I say that this naked beast of beauty actually climbed all over people, then picture a large cartoon gecko on speed clambering all over you looking for places it hasn’t been. Yes I know but it was super hot.
She bows and exists stage let to a loud cheer and bunch of OMGOMGOMGOMGOMGOMG coming from the crowd.
Next up was the unmistakable intro for Marilyn Mansons’ Beautiful People. We were so not disappointed.
In storms a PVC clad gladiator with Headdress, platinum Mohawk and fuckme boots that we... demanded attention. Her whip in had she danced perfectly to the tune while getting some lucky sod onto the dance floor for a good whipping. She didn’t stay on that stage mind you, she worked the crowd, danced the macabre and tongues dried out from dropjaw syndrome.
Not to finish off on a light note this bombshell dropped that age old tune from the Barbed Wire soundtrack (Each your heart out Pamela) Word Up - by Gun. Now the song is great if you remember the 90’s but what really went down well were the candles. Oh... you’re not impressed by her dancing around naked, like an Olympic gymnast while burning herself in her most sensitive’s with candle wax? Me neither. It was when she held a candle in her sensitive’s and got down to some weird ass break dancing moves without burning those lovely bits that the crowd really went wild. You got to imagine it: if she stands wrong or is not keeping that candle vertical, she gets burnt. So for the entire duration of the song, said vixen danced like her livelihood depended on it. Judges Score: 10 - 10 - 10 - 10.
The night went on like this with us hanging slack jawed at most of these Kiwi invented routines.
There were cop routines, firewoman routines and ofcourse, yes you guessed it: THE HAKKA! Me, I hate them gimpy bastiches, but seeing nekked women with faces ready for war, muscles taught and breasts glistening with oil, screaming their native war cry....well... that definitely popped the cork.
A few of the braver people got roped into their shows aswell and my hat truly goes off to one particular bar lady who could only make one statement after her involvement in the stage performance. These are the words every stripper wants to hear and from a woman, double so: "I think I came."
The night went on in true malkavian style. Drinks, drunks, legs and tits abound, good metal and some seriously hot women, well all I can say is THANK YOU HORUS! Ryno went all out on this one and moved through to the next level of awesomeness on my level.
I only got to ask a few questions about the girls and here’s what I got from the (?)horses mouth:
- New Zealand Cover Girls started in a lounge with a bunch of well traveled (Globally! Get ur mind outta the gutter! ) women who were looking to do something new and different.
- They’ve embarked on a 6week promotional tour around South Africa, being the kind of ambassadors that we all like to see!
- They offer everything from Strip O Grams, to Jelly Wrestling, private functions, topless waitering, stripping, bikini contests and lots lots more!
- When asked if we were more conservative than other countries the reply was instant: Yes, you guys are very conservative! The boys back home are a right rowdy bunch and they really don’t stick to any rules! You guys are so respectful and the hospitality is incredible! SA Rocks!
- You think it stops at Softcore!? Think again! Imagine it, remove the sex and I’m sure these women would oblige. Stories were told where backs were scratched and whipped so hard their hands were caked in blood. Ohhhh how exotic! Pick me!~ PICK ME!!!
- Wanna be a dancer? Dance every day and gym every evening! Before a show limber up doing yoga.
- When asked what the greatest compliment a stripper can ever receive, there was only one answer: Get hard.
- The phobia of beautiful women is called: Caligynaephobia
Below are a few comments I managed to pick up:
The View! The Flesh! The Bare NekkednesS! Exhilarating and arousing at the same time!!! Fncking Awesome!
(Thanks for the pics! )
Really awesome so far! Quality without being smutty. Really Good Looking women. TopScore!!
Undoubtedly one of the best shows CT has ever seen! Bring them back!
Jade Grauen Luna