The Cinematic Ramblings of Oscar Greenwald

Posted 2005-08-15 @ 22:21:56 In articles > features

The Most Honest Reviewer You Will Ever Know...No Really!

I have an agenda! This is not going to be an objective column in any sense of the word. This column will be my views and my views alone, however skewed they might be. I will give praise to those that I feel are most worthy of it and the rest be damned. You can be uber-thankful that piece-of-shit Stanley Kubrick is dead cause I intensely hate his movies. Especially Eyes Wide Shut with that idiotic plinky plonky music. I also refuse to watch any movie made by the Coen Brothers as their movies make me want to gand.

I do not give praise easily and when I do you should take note. I also have a tendency to praise those that are not thought of as reputable in the larger "respectable" reviewing community. Sometimes if I’m listening to a song that I really like while writing a review I might give the film an extra tit. (Since tits is my favourite new way of saying that something is completely fantastic, I shall be discarding the decrepit star-rating system that boring reviewers are so fond of, and replacing it with the tit system, ranging from Calista Flockhart to Pamela Anderson.)

In simple, easy to understand, language this means that I am probably the most honest reviewer you will ever read the reviews of. I tend to compare an artist’s work with their previous achievements rather than the other crap that Hollywood produces and thus can sometimes be overly harsh on otherwise worthy products.

There are two sides to the persona that is Oscar Greenwald. The first is that of the film connoisseur that appreciates high filmic art. Films by the likes of Darren Aronofsky, Alejandro Amenabar and Jean-Pierre Jeunet are high on my list of films to watch 37 times before I die. Also, I am currently going through a phase of adoration for Czech Surrealist film and not in a pretentious way. No, I’m being serious! I don’t know how long this phase will last, but at the moment Czech Surrealism is the tits!

On the complete reverse side of the spectrum there is the trash whore that adores high art classics such as Bound , The Adventures of Priscilla Queen of the Desert (full title used to increase my word count...) Wild Things and Secretary . I also like seeing a cock in a movie...it never fails to perk me up.

Turns out I have a third part to my persona (who knew!). I have a soft spot for sugary stuff like Clueless , Center Stage and almost any animated movie made by the fascist pigs called Disney. Especially those with cool songs. But don’t worry, they don’t make animated movies with cool songs anymore so you’re safe.

For my first column I shall write about my recent DVD purchases and at least one recent film. So, reviews you can expect are of PI , A Very Long Engagement , The Sea Inside and something a bit more recent, I haven’t decided yet...something good...I hope.


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The Cinematic Ramblings of Oscar Greenwald
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