Rock the Bay (2005)

Posted 2006-03-15 @ 21:25:26 In articles > reviews

An excursion by Phil and crew, with real celebrities aní all!


There were, behind the awe-inspiring beer tent, more porta-potties than one knew what to do with. While taking an innocent wizzie inside one, I felt the structure begin to sway violently to and fro. Not wanting to wear the contents of the bowl as part of my attire, I zipped up and sprung out in the nick of time to see some members of Mind Assaultsurrounding me, grinning evilly, like school bullies at the token geek. ‘Harrowing’, I thought as I urged through them toward the beer supply.

The stage was already occupied, we noticed as we scrounged for plastic deckchair seats, primarily by Doctor john and the symptoms, their rhythm & lead guitar and vocalist also forming the Boulevard Blues band, Dr John himself bearing a striking resemblance to Carlos Santana.

Phil, Ant & Dr John. A handsome trio indeed

Finding this a mild audio experience we collectively took a stroll through the market stalls to grab us some eats, satisfied swiftly by the purchase of the best tasting chicken burgers I can recall. An Asian weapon culture stand grabbed our attention (they always do) as Ayns yanked out his wallet to attain himself a pair of cheap nun-chucks which were later confiscated temporarily by an over zealous bouncer.

Oriental, ornamental weapon stand

The Music

Overall, somewhat unfortunately, I could’ve received the same quality and style of musical entertainment by driving around, midday in my bakkie with the radio tuned to one of the popular youth culture stations. It was mostly a day for the family outing rather than for mosh-hungry rockers.

Ironically, Barney Simon had subtly dissed Heinz Winkler somewhere in his line up of introductions, directly after which a very Heinz Winkler looking frontman appeared with Spoonfeeders, a pop sounding group played intermittently on 5fm.

A fair Heinz Winkler impersonation

Southern Gypsy Queens come on. They’re apparently one of the only two bands from their small mountain town, and are a long wavy blonde haired, cleanly groomed band (except for the drummer). The Bassist and guitarist of which are captured here in a pic with myself.

Tris, Phil & Tammy

Yet another easy-listening radio band, Cutting Jade, appears before the eager audience.

Ant: Sounds like they put plenty effort into sounding as good live as they do on CD, and the bassist looks too much like Gwen Stefani.

Ayns: Sub standard, not tight, vocals fall into ‘Scott Strap of Creed’ category.
Could use more cowbell, otherwise they could send a baby moose on a cake flour binge.

Phil: The vocalist was disorientated against the bands timing and could have been replaced with Jon Bon Jovi for more or less the same effect.

Logan the singer on himself: I’m a very amateur, beginner-level vocalist (trying desperately to save his image with humility).

Franscois of Mind Assault on Logan: I think I saw him at Robertson but I could be mistaken.

Logan of Cutting Jade upon being asked to sum up himself in one facial expression

Bed on Bricks, I think possibly the most talked about outfit of the lot, Materialized after the sun had disappeared. This Awesome foursome were very much my special favourite, appealing to my well-sculpted sense of funk rock. A sound most reminiscent to me of a blend of ‘Red hot chili peppers’, maybe ‘maroon 5’, and possibly ‘Janes Addiction’, perchance even ‘Primus’, I can say they Heroically shone out beyond the walls of mediocrity.

Bed on bricks: a funky foursome

Surprising eventfulness in the midst of drunken boredom

The Alteye team is surveying the VIP area (bouncers see our yellow arm tags yet reject us not). Barney Simon, a cowering wounded gazelle is hiding somewhere in the undergrowth. We, the pack of rabid, barking, hungry hiennas are on the hunt. We want an interview goddammit. The illusive rock-radio celebrity has evaded us successfully for now.

I catch, peripherally, two blazing-hot young blonde vixens engaged in a sensuous French kiss. I find Aynsley beside me, his gaze planted securely in their direction. He has a camera. I uncharacteristically lunge at the alluring pair and beg they repeat their seductive demonstration for a photograph. They accept. Aynsley, without need for provocation Pivots across, timeously capturing their enchanting pose. I thank them courteously and retreat to safety, gleaming with victory! A poke from Ant reminds me to dutifully take down their names. I run back and ask them politely. The taller one grasps my notebook and, to my surprise and delight, fervently scrawls down both names and telephone numbers.

Vicky & Nodene

Thank you kindly Vicky and Nodene, on behalf of myself and all testosterone producing primates! xx

Barney Simon Interview

Phil,Ant, Barney & Ayns in a sweet embrace

Yes, after watching him mumble along his introductions, we finally met up with the aging rock-radio celeb. ‘What drugs are you guys on?’ he enquired as we began. Basically he rapped on about his experiences in England: ‘aren’t you that guy from Men behaving Badly’ they asked him upon his arrival at Heathrow airport.

Aidan, a music industry entrepreneur, adorns the scene, trying to promote some local talent he has interest in. ‘It’s all about promotion and marketing’, exclaims Aidan. ‘Yes, good stuff really’, responds Barney.

Aidan sneaks into our interview

Some Barney quotes:

(asked opinion on ever increasing number of pop artists hogging the radio waves) ‘Marketing….marketing….bloody marketing, that’s all it’s bloody about’

‘I’m enjoying my new job at ‘Tuks radio’, a university station in Pretoria’

‘I’m currently living a humble little existence in my 2.5 million Rand house’

Finally, for those of you who remember ‘Uncle Paul’s bedtime stories’, the late-night 5fm special, the more devout fans will be interested to learn that Uncle Paul is currently living in Manchester.


Donovan (Mind Assault bassist) drunk, is as hilarious a spectacle as any, so illustrated as follows:

i) Donovan fumbles down the embankment of a grassy crevasse behind the VIP tent to take a slash. Ant follows to assist him (down the bank not with the slash). Bouncer boy materializes from thin air with his index finger outstretched and wagging and begins to lecture our guys. Ant pulls the ever useful “press” card – mentions our website and how we are there doing a music review – rendering “bouncy” a harmless and friendly bungling bozo.

Bouncer showing Ant & Don where they can get off

ii) when the Alteye crew failed to get random girls to “uncensor” their frontal extremities for our camera, old Donner chipped in with his carefully honed charms. He attempted trapping innocent passer-by chicks in our small soft-core porn outfit, good on ya Donno!

Don & reluctant boob-flashing candidates

iii) Toward the latter end of the evening, Donanvan and I strolled through the frontline of bored-looking guards, him wielding a half bottle of Jose Quervo Gold in one hand (no attempt at concealment ventured). He was halted swiftly by one North African who offered two basic choices: pour his booze out or down it in the parking lot. I automatically swiveled 180 degrees and began up the gravel path. Noticing no Donavan pursuing behind I glanced back to discover he had somehow duped the now bewildered (Zakk could-be-wilder, brother of gene) sentry and continued nonchalantly into the grounds. “Puzzling”, I mused.

iv) Additionally, There were plenty of incidences involving Donnie leaping head first into bystanders, trying to chat up guys and other activities of similar nature.

In conclusion, our friend Donavan is a man of many foolish traits.


Well that’s it really; there were other bands and stuff, but who really cares.

Tags . girls kissing . dr john . mind assault . spoonfeeders . cutting jade



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Rock the Bay (2005)
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